Madison, New Jersey - With Premarin®’s recent patent lapse, Wyeth Laboratories®, a subsidiary of Pfizer, Inc.® based out of New Jersey, has found a new hormone replacement therapy they say is "the bee's knees". We were lucky enough to have John Latrino, lead biogenic researcher for the company, take time out of his busy schedule to go over this new wonder drug he says will change the face of the earth, starting right in your bathroom.
Unlike many recent hormone therapy drugs developed for females, the company has changed tactics and realized that men need a little lovin’ too. Up until now men have had very few options for boosting their own body’s ability to keep up with the need for thicker hair, increased libido, and with male-patterned-baldness becoming more prevalent and extending to the beard and chest, things have been looking quite dim for the future vision of a masculine man.
Ronald Blaine, a 55 year old Average Joe, enjoys the finer things in life. Finer things like shaving. Blaine explains, “I find myself waking up later every day because my beard just isn’t as full anymore, and I have no need to shave. Sure, waking up later is nice, but something about shaving your face every morning just makes you feel like a man… a real man.” He isn’t the only one affected by what some researchers for the Beard Baldness Institute (BBI) call Diminishing Beard Syndrome (DBS). It occurs in approximately 50% males, at various stages in life, and may soon become an epidemic as large as Restless Leg Syndrome.
“Until now, testosterone, which is currently available by prescription in many different forms from intramuscular injections to less intense foams and gels, has been the only option available to males as their bodies start aging and decreasing production of key hormones naturally. Sadly, this isn’t the only thing males need, and increasing intake of steroids without any thought towards other factors can lead to horrible chemical imbalances in the body.” Mr. Latrino told us last Thursday while discussing what Wyeth® plans to do about the current crisis.
“We have come to understand this, which is why we put lots of funding into research for alternatives besides harsh treatments that must be monitored regularly. We thought of where we could look for answers, and immediately bears popped up in our think-tank. Really, when you think of hard-ass animals that don’t take crap, and can maul your face in a single swipe, the bear is the natural example. It took some intense studying, risky maneuvers, and dangerous tests, but we found the answer. That answer is Blobearis™. This medication comes straight from the core of bears complete with everything men need as their bodies slow. Now, you might be asking ‘where exactly’ it comes from, and the straight answer is Blobearis (short for BLOated BEAR pISs) is harvested direct from bear urine after the animal has eaten a large meal. We have found this to be the best time to extract the hormones at their greatest potency.
“The science is there.” He continued, “No other drug in its class has stimulated facial and chest hair production as effectively or quickly, including testosterone. It essentially jump-starts the body into a ‘second puberty’ of sorts, rejuvenates the hair follicles, and leaves the skin feeling soft and smooth. In addition, we’re currently looking into creams and ointments that can be applied directly to the chest, face and scalp to initiate growth even faster. I am quite excited to see where we are in the market, and how big of a leap in science we’ve accomplished with Blobearis.”
Blobearis doesn’t come without risks and controversy. Bears are very territorial and don’t enjoy being disturbed, especially after eating, which has made it difficult for outside researchers to perform tests of their own. Many injuries have occurred including cuts, scrapes, broken bones, and in one case, the tearing of limbs and disembowelment of a scientist from Professional Urine Sampling, Inc. (PUSI)*
With pending FDA approval the questions remain: Is Blobearis really the answer? Is it worth the risks? Either way, the popularity of Blobearis has skyrocketed as Pfizer®’s stock continues to rise.
*Name withheld until the family can be notified.
